I recently heard of an acquaintance who is suffering. Big time. She is a young, brilliant, talented, and kind person and has her whole life in front of her. Yet, today, her days, hours, and minutes are being stolen away from her. Stolen by something called an eating disorder.
I feel very compelled to write about this topic because it's one that always hits very close to home. It stirs up something in my heart and makes my stomach turn. I know the intent of this blog was never to get into deep discussion of body image issues and struggles, however, it's a part of my own journey and I really feel it's time that my story is shared. It is my deepest hope and prayer that by shedding a little light on my own experience, I would somehow help and encourage others who have or are currently walking through this....It's a dark and lonely place, but there is hope.
Eating disorders and distorted eating patterns/body image disrupts the lives of about 24 million people. It's no surprise to me that this number is so large, simply because we are living in a culture that idolizes beauty, control, and perfectionism.
For me, this little enemy of mine, began when I was just 12 years old. It was easily hid from family and friends, because I innocently joined the track team and told my parents I had decided to eat healthy. They weren't really alarmed by this, and all was "well" until a few months later when they noticed my weight dropping drastically. I've tried really hard to figure out what even started my obsession with weight, food, calories, etc. and it's hard to tell. I think it was a mixture of things including: one quick comment a family friend made, my pubescent body changing, starting to desire attention/acceptance from boys, and my own tendency towards perfectionism. Even at my worst, I was never the skinniest girl in school, so I feel like it was never questioned. I never starved myself or threw up, so (at least in my mind), I was tricking everyone. I had it "under control" and was "being healthy". At my lowest weight (82 pounds), I still didn't feel satisfied or happy. There was still always something to critique and always something I was hoping would change. I was never diagnosed with anorexia because like I mentioned, I never stopped eating, I just ate very small portions, worked out a lot, and was just always thinking about and worrying about the next meal. And so, again, I really didn't see that I had a problem. That's the very fine line. You're still eating. You're seen as the "health conscious" one. And, it's a good cover up. It tricks you and everyone else and my God, is it a slippery slope. I remember trying to avoid situations where there would be a lot of people and food, specifically going out to eat and birthday/holiday gatherings especially. Instead of enjoying these moments I was stuck in my own thoughts, dreading, even crying over the thought of having to eat things like cheese, chocolate, hot dogs.... because in my distorted mind, these things were the enemy. I hate to say this, but my high school years were experienced with just a cloud over me. This thing. This burden that I was carrying with me everywhere I went. I could never escape or stop the thoughts and it was a really lonely place. Don't get me wrong, I had an enjoyable time and look back on high school with (mostly) happiness because I was involved in activities, had great friends, etc., but my personality was skewed. I was my withdrawn and shy, too busy worrying about what I'd pick out for lunch, and constantly comparing myself to others.
I had moments where I totally recognized how much I hated living this way. I knew, deep down, my thoughts and eating patterns were distorted and unhealthy. I knew that some of the things I did were weird and bizarre (licking the salt off of pretzels and then throwing it away...yeah, I did that). I remember going to the doctor's office and leaving being scared to death about how I could be ruining my body for years to come. Only to triumphantly go buy a chocolate bar in an attempt to say "I'm over this and all better". I never did eat the whole thing. Still trapped. Still believing I had to count calories.
I'd like to say by college I was over it and healthy. I wasn't. My weight fluctuated and I ate horribly. Diet Coke, salads, cereal, ice cream, and gum. Pretty much my diet for four-ish years. Although I slowly made progress and began to not think or obsess over things as much, still, the battle was there.
Thankfully, I found some victory and relief after college...after I slowly began realizing just how unhealthy I was (though desperately trying to be thin and "healthy"), how ironic. Non-fat and sugar free everything was taking it's toll on all aspects of my health and was not at all healthy. Once I slowly began not carrying the guilt and shame around after every food choice, it was an amazing feeling. I was tired of being in captivity to the LIE that a cupcake or taco would make me "fat". And here is the thing, the term "fat" is what was masked as the "enemy" in my case, but really it went so much deeper than just not wanting to look a certain way. More than that, the deep fear that drove my distorted eating/thinking was that if I looked a certain way, then I'd seem like I have control over myself.... that if I wasn't "perfect", I'd ultimately be rejected, unlovable. Saying it now, it sounds SO out there, but I totally had the thinking that if I could just somehow have the proportions of a supermodel (knowing full well that I was 5'2" and would never be taller) then I'd have it "all together" and would be accepted and desired.
So now, back to my thoughts on this very thin line of healthy eating and having a healthy lifestyle. The trend now is to look at every ingredient,s list to determine if something is filled with preservatives and chemicals. I totally think that's a smart idea, but I'll be honest with you. For me, this is a slippery slope towards again, becoming obsessed with and controlling everything I put into my body. Saying I'm only going to eat "whole foods" is fine. It's a good idea actually. But what is my motivation? And do I give myself any grace to eat a bag of Doritos every now and then? I still hate the fact that I've memorized the caloric content of hundreds of foods and am super good as estimating calories. I can never get rid of that knowledge and is follows me wherever I go. But still, I make the choice to ignore the lies and walk in freedom, because my gosh, life is so much more beautiful when I do.
I have come a VERY long way and feel happier and much healthier than ever. However, I still have to be very careful not to get myself to that dangerous place of worrying too much about food and nutrition. And I'm very open with my husband and family about that. I still know so many people who have a love-hate relationship with food. They have foods that are off limits, foods they are obsessed with, and have a strict regimen of exercise to keep up with. Women especially-- we love to try the latest diet (low carb, gluten free, paleo, etc.) and we are constantly trying to define what is "healthy" for ourselves. Again, it's okay to have lead a healthy lifestyle. I am fully in support of that and try to do that myself, but just be mindful of your motivations.
If you or someone you know seems to be stuck in this place of letting food and exercise control your happiness or overall contentment, please reach out to someone. Don't think for a second that no one else understands because I guarantee you, someone does. Many have walked this thin line and many have decided to not let fear and control trap them any more. Find peace. Find your joy. Find your identity in something else because your diet and health do not and should not define you.
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