I'm the WORST at maintaining this blog!

So, here I am again, Trying to play catch up on this blog. A blog that was supposed to document my life events. Inspirations. Aspirations. Pictures. And glimpses into this little journey Dan and I are on called Parenthood. 

Well, instead of feeling like a complete failure at this, I'm going to just try to pick up where I left off....

So here we are, just a few short weeks away from Christmas. We have a busy toddler (19 1/2 months) who is just so full of life! I know all parents say this about their kids, but it's true haha...My kid is learning new things every day and it's really fun/cool/crazy to get to see. My favorite part?...we have little conversations throughout the day that sounds something like this: "Noah, it's time for your nap. Let's go upstairs." "Upstairs.... night night mommy.... sleep... Pooh Bear." I tuck him in and we exchange "Love Yous", "C ya's", and kisses. He doesn't sleep in his crib anymore (a big brother milestone!) and get this, the boy actually loves to brush his teeth. It's a modern day miracle. I've been meaning to post a little recap of his likes and make it sort of a "day in the life of Noah" sort of thing, so look out for that. 

Our newest little baby BOY is due in about 6ish weeks! I cannot believe how FAST this pregnancy has gone. Other than a few aches and pains, and feeling a bit slower and tired, I really can't complain. I've been very blessed to have zero complications and pretty bearable side effects to growing this baby. From what I can tell, baby zoom #2 is a busy guy. He moves constantly and always get the hiccups around 9:45 pm. He loves music, especially the beats from Vance Joy and Taylor Swift. And, I'm convinced he'll be bigger than his brother. It feels like he barely fits in my body and yes, I have more than a month left. Not sure how many more kicks to the ribs and groin this gal can take! Actually, I don't mind the sudden jolts one bit. I just keep praying he isn't too crammed in this non-existent torso of mine. 

So with the addition of this new little one, comes a whole new set of mommy worries and struggles. I've found that my anxious thoughts about how to manage two and what life will look like being home with two babies have ebbed and flowed throughout the last few months and I'm trying to not let feelings of fear or worry creep in. The truth is, it WILL be hard at first. We WILL be exhausted and busy. I WILL cry from exhaustion. But at the end of the day, knowing now what I know about all the amazing things a new life brings with it, and how fleeting the "stressful" moments actually are, I couldn't be more excited to get to share life with a new little person.  

i love me some FALL.

It's funny. Even just a miniature pumpkin sitting by my front door puts a little smile on my face. There is just SOMETHING about fall scents, tastes, colors, and the crisp air that get me feeling all excited and rejuvenated. Maybe it's the tradition of getting out the caramel pumpkin cheesecake candles that make you want to devour a pumpkin cheesecake (and I don't even love cheesecake!) right on the spot. Or the warm scarves and layering and big boots that make me feel like I can still be a slightly fashionable--and comfortable-- mom of (almost) two. Or maybe it's just the chance to go on a walk and not sweat...just simply enjoy the cool air and the beautiful colors around me. I don't know what it is exactly, I just know that I love this time of year.

Side note: Yesterday, when I found the (pictured above) little wooden box at a local craft store (for just $3.50!) you would have thought I had struck gold or something. I was so pumped (got this hilarious word from my husband, thank you very much) to bring it home and shove some yummy drink mixes into it.

It's the little things, folks. 

the beauty of connection

Community. This word was forced into my ears countless times in college, as it was their mantra sort of. We constantly talked about the importance of "being in community with others" and how we had been "created and called for community". As slightly unaware and immature young adults, most of us laughed and joked about the word....never really letting this message sink in.

Until now. For me.

I have begun to realize the true value of community in the last year or so. Being and feeling connected to friends and/or family is so darn important. I'll start with this: Connection is so very important for our health-- mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, etc.

Staying home with Noah left me with a LOT of time to myself. And believe me when I say that I'm sort of a homebody as it is. I like and need some time to myself each day. And while I love and am VERY thankful for the amazing company of my little guy, because he really is super cool and amazing. Surprisingly..... he wasn't always very engaging through conversations and riveting talks about important things in life :) At least not yet. I do get to chat a LOT about "choo choos", "bubbles", "trucks", "dog dogs", and "millll(k)" (which I do abolutly love and adore), but again, I still desire and need some adult time every once in a while...

Where was I...so over the past year or so, I battled loneliness and really wanting to feel connected with others. I am so thankful to be able to say that I have sought this out and found it. God has really provided me a number of special people to connect with during this season of life.

Now, I'm very aware of the fact that there are many, many adults (young and old) who, outside of work wouldn't say that they have a good network of support and friends to "do life with" so to speak. And just from talking to people, taking academic classes in sociology, and observing social media, people CRAVE connections with others. They want to feel heard and supported. They need people they can turn to on their very good days and their very tough days. And for the record, social media, in my opinion, actually gives us the opposite result of this connection that we need so desperately. It  gives us this false connection to people through not-so-real "friendships". We can hide behind screens feeling connected with others, simply because we saw pictures of what they did over the weekend...failing to ever have an actually conversation with them, letting them know we were thinking of and (ah hem) stalking them sort of. Ugh, not good.

For me, church, mutual friends, signing up for stuff, and just simply putting myself out there to look vulnerable at times (i.e. "Wanna go for a walk right now? I need to get out of the house!") has really helped me find connection this year. Little steps and efforts have made a huge difference and I am so so thankful for the friendships that have developed and grown by this. The truth is, we NEED one another. God didn't create just Adam to rule to world and have a grand ol' time by HIMSELF. He wanted multiples of people. He desired us to support one another and lift each other burdens. To serve, help, be a listening ear, and simply REACH OUT. See, if it we just get stuck in the me, myself, and I way of life, it gets lonely and pretty depressing pretty fast. Who do we share our joys and our worries with? Who gets the help and support they need? Who celebrates with those who are experiencing something important in their lives?

I think being with others can really help us put things into perspective. What we tend to think (by ourselves) is a huge, ugly mess, once we talk through the "mess" with others, can seem okay. Hope is shared and strength is given. And THAT is just one of the many beautiful aspects of being in community with others. Another? Our sh#! is exposed. There I said it. When we keep to ourselves, we also keep the not-so-pretty stuff inside, too. As we get REAL with people, we can talk about some really heavy burdens we are carrying. The traumas, the past hurts, the fear and anxieties...that stuff. And in doing so, it really can provide healing and hope for the future.

All that to say. Just try it out. I promise you won't regret it.

My son is awake now and wants me, his mama. He wants to connect with me and I get to connect with him today. It's a good day.

why hello again

Umm, hello again. It's not hard to see that I took a little unplanned break from journaling/blogging over the summer. This little disappearance started off as me just being busy, then quickly turned to "Uh, I just don't feel like it right now", and finally became, "Well, it's been so long, there's too much to catch up on!" Well I'm here to say, I haven't given up on this little blog of mine. I've actually come to miss it. And so, here I am again, attempting to keep up with this little thing...

That being said, it's sort of impossible to get caught up on all that we've been up to this summer. I suppose I can fill you all in in just about three words that sort of sum up the past few months: weddings, pregnancy, rest. 

Weddings: in 10 months we've attended and/or been in 10 weddings. Whew. Just thinking about the craziness of it all gets me sweaty. While they were all a BLAST, with all of the showers, bachelorette/bachelor weekends away, and then the wedding weekends themselves, it filled up many, many of our weekends this year. So many of our great friends and family members tied the knot this last year and truly, despite the exhaustion this here paragraph gives off, we loved celebrating all the love!

Pregnancy: soooo, yeah. i'm pregnant again! That happened. We found out in June and haven't looked back since. Dan and I couldn't be more excited to expand our family. More little bodies means more love and hilarious, beautiful memories. I love my new (i guess i can't say "new" anymore?) role as a mom and not many other things bring me as much joy as spending my days watching and learning from the life and mind of a 16 month old. I smile more now than I ever have and have learned way more about myself and living simply during this season life. All that to say, I'm still scared out of mind. Don't think for a second I'm not wondering what on earth we've gotten ourselves into with having two little ones under the age of two. Thank  goodness for God's grace, strength, wisdom, and help.... and for a wonderful community of family and friends to support us during this next adventure. 

Rest: stemming off of the pregnancy note, during the first half of summer I was EXHAUSTED. All of the time. As some of you know, I usually love being busy and having things to do and people to see. I thrive on "having plans" and to-do lists. This summer though, I have forced myself to learn the value and necessity of taking time, however much I had available, to simply rest. And even, to say "no" to things every once and a while. For me, I need I need some time to just be. Time to rejuvenate and time to just spend at home-- with my family and with myself. And hey, I figured that it's okay to bank some extra sleep in my "sleep bank" (that I realize doesn't exist) because when that little baby #2 arrives, I'll hopefully be happy I got some rest and relaxation when I could :) 

p.s. speaking of rest--while on vacation last week, I literally sat by the pool (while dan and noah napped) each afternoon...... and.... it was the best thing ever. it (doing absolutely nothing). was. pure. happiness. 

Other fun summer memories: blueberry picking, park adventures, lots of bonfires with friends, camping at the beach, girls nights, a US soccer game, Myrtle Beach, a trip to the zoo and aquarium, learning the art of baking fruit pies, and many many evening walks with the gang. 

So there you have it. Just a brief update into my world over the last few months. 

I promise, I'll be back soon. 

ciao. 

BF

A little note on BF.

No, not my best friend. Not my boyfriend.

BREASTFEEDING.

So, friends. In case you didn't know, and wanted to know, I have been breastfeeding Noah for 13 months now. TMI? Sorry. And I'm here to announce (this is sort of cathartic, me chatting about it, in a weird way) that we began weaning a few days ago. Ugh. It's sad. So sad. And hard. And, uh hem...rather uncomfortable/painful!

I never really knew "when" this little bf journey would come to an end. To be honest, I didn't have many expectations. At first my goal was to do it for six months. Well that flew by and my new goal became a year. Well around a year I began thinking about the how's and why's surrounding weaning. It has not been an easy decision. And I apologize for making it sound all dramtic-like, but this whole post is sort of going to sound that way, so just dealllll.

Oh and for those of you who have NO idea what "weaning" even means...don't worry, I had no idea either, but it just means transitioning a baby from breast feeding to bottle/cup/whole foods. The process starts whenever you introduce foods, water, bottles, etc. to your baby and ends when they are no longer being breastfed at all. For Noah, he has always been FINE transitioning to those things. And truthfully, the weaning process has been harder on me than on him. I mean, this kid is so laid back...as long as his belly is full, one way or the other, is a happy camper.

So, the timing just seemed right for us recently. Hahah, who am I kidding? I totally second guessed the decision immediately after we had our official "last" feeding before bed the other night. Like I mentioned before, this whole weaning thing was (and still is) way more emotional for me. I was a tearful, mascara-faced mess thinking about the hundreds of hours spent doing this one thing that was just as much for me as it was for Noah. It has been difficult and frustrating at times, but mostly just great. I never thought I'd be a mom who was all advocating breastfeeding, but here I am at the end of my journey and I am a total advocate for it. The choice to bf Noah was mostly made for the health and attachment building reasons, but later, as it grew on me, I realized that it became so much more. It was more about Noah needing ME, and just me, for this one thing, that no one else could do for him. It was that one excusable thing we could do to escape to a quiet room for a few minutes a few times a day that was peaceful and "just us". It was our special time where he needed me and I was able to meet that need in a tangible way. That is what was so alluring and special about bf, in my opinion. Yes, the fact that human milk is "liquid gold" is another perk, but truthfully, I wasn't thinking about the gold in my boobs at 3 am in the morning. Let's be honest here.

Another reason it rocks? Now, this reason doesn't make as much SENSE, but in that I-like-learning-and-growing way, the small fact that it teaches you selflessness in a very real and fast way is a big win-win. Gosh, I learned a huge lesson here. All those moments I was tempted to wish another person could feed him while I could sleep more, eat more, do-all-those-things-that-needed-to-get-done, or stay out for more than a few hours, I remembered that I was needed and I that I had committed to this thing. I was forced to make lots of time for feeding/pumping/planning life around those precious feedings and, at times, this was pretty inconvenient.

The decision to stop has been a hard one and one I have gone back and forth about for weeks. It's also a decision that not everyone who wants to make can. Sometimes a woman has to stop before she wants to. So, with that said, I know at the end of the day, I have a lot to be thankful for. Truthfully, it's hard not to feel a little guilty and selfish about this decision. Truthfully, I made much of the decision based on some health reasons and the fact that I was feeling ready to have my body back. I trusted in the bond Noah and I had shared developed and knew that his trust in and attachment to me would not change based on where he was getting his nutrients from. He happens to love bottles, sippy cups, and food (this kid can EAT) just fine and that is reassuring (and just a little bittersweet).

So here I sit. With some engorged breasts, discomfort, and a boat load of bittersweet feelings. I feel proud that we were able to make it this far and yet sad that this chapter for us has come to an end. One thing that is PRETTY awesome: packing up the pump and putting it away, far away, on a shelf.

Ahhhh, pumping. That is it's own, beautiful topic for another day...

True Confessions

I haven't cleaned Noah's toys in....... 

well, now that I think of it.....

never. 

Oops. Major oops. 

And for the record (to sort of make myself feel better), he has only had two minor colds in his almost 13 months of life. So, I guess the gross, dirty toys didn't cause too much damage... right?

Garden time

Well, it's that time again. 

Our community garden is now calling us to begin planting new crops for the year. Last year was our very first year for our neighbors to attempt creating a vegetable garden together. We built six box gardens and planted veggies and herbs. Looking back, I definitely think it was a great success (considering we are all very much complete amateurs) and we were able to learn a heck of a lot about this new hobby/thing called gardening. The other week we held our first meeting to decide what we want to attempt to plant/grow and divided up the major tasks of making that happen. This year we are trying our hand at growing some fruit, too, which is pretty fun. We began planting last week and I must say, I'm definitely feeling the effects of some therapeutic gardening. I'm already SO excited to be able to go grab some basil, garlic, and strawberries in my backyard.

...I keep forgetting I have like 75-90+ days of patience before that will be happening. 

This year we are hoping to harvest:

sweet onions

garlic

spinach

romaine lettuce

roma tomatoes

potatoes

strawberries

garlic

carrot

egg plant

bell peppers

pumpkins

watermelon

various herbs

green beans

squash

(honestly, the list looks uber intimidating to me. but hey, if this works out, i'll be THRILLED!)

So, I'll definitely keep the blog updated with the (hopeful) success of the garden. I've promised to make a few changes in my green thumb practices this year, like NOT watering during the hot afternoons... and, actually checking the soil first before hammering the plants with water!...both of which are huge no no's, I've recently found out. Yeah, the fact that I made the two most obvious mistakes is very pretty embarrassing, but at least I'm being honest here! 

A Note To My Pre-Mom Self...

Hi there,

Right now, you have no idea what to expect. You are worried about the pains of labor and how to soothe a baby. Well, I'm here to tell you that, as far as delivering a baby goes, when the time comes, you will get filled with excitement and a surge of adrenaline (oh, and God's grace) that will somehow give you the strength to labor through the most intense pains of your life. Don't be grossed out, but you will throw up five times from the contractions (thankfully, your husband will not get nauseous at the sight!), and you will shake like crazy for a few hours (which is a little scary).... BUT, at the end of it all, you will welcome a little boy on the 30th of April at 1:16 pm who is simple a perfect package of baby. After two practically sleepless nights, cuddles, and many pictures, you will be wheeled away from the hospital, to ride in the backseat of your car with a tiny, sleeping peanut of a baby. Your husband will drive 5 mph under the speed limit and will look in the rear view mirror in zillion times.

The next few weeks will be a complete blurr. People will visit. Your bottom will be SORE. You will stare at your new baby. You will stare at your husband interacting with him (and tear up). You will look at this child in amazement, stare at your once basketball-sized belly and wonder how on earth he ever got out. Then you will feel so proud and thankful for his health and yours. Then you will cry from the pain of engorgement and not feeling like you can swaddle a baby properly. You will also cry on your first Mother's Day out of pure exhaustion and feeling scared you are in over your head. Thankfully, you will have a group of AMAZING mothers to guide and support you. To tell you you are a rock star at raising your child and to remind you to follow your heart and mother's intuition. Breastfeeding will HURT for the first two weeks. Your nipples will be numb and you will leak milk (yes, it's the truth). However, you will be beyond thankful that you stuck with it... because it will really help you bond and feel very needed by your little, growing babe. Despite feeling a little grossed out at first, and wondering how your body will ever be "yours again", you will quickly sit back in wonder at how your body can nourish and keep healthy another little body. I promise you, you will cherish the countless hours spent in the glider every single day, snacking on animal crackers, humming Christmas carols, just staring at this little boy in complete awe. Oh, and remember the entire tube of stretch mark cream you rubbed on yourself every single day? Well, you will come to actually love the tiny little "lightening bolts" below your belly button, because they remind you that you carried a child for ten months and that your skin was stretched to house him. It's something not everyone is able to do and so you will NEVER, ever complain about these marks.

You probably will anyway, but please don't stress about sleep and schedules! This figures itself out and your baby will fall into his own sleep pattern that works for him and you. I know you will read way too much on the internet about sleep and soothing and much of it will contradict itself. I'm here to tell you--- if you want to hold your baby while he sleeps, hold your baby. If you want to utilize a swing because it works wonders, use a swing. If you want to nurse your child to sleep, DO it. You will later come to find this did NOT create any "bad" habits for your child and...well, you can't get those moments back where he is small enough to sleep in your arms. So, do it. And don't feel bad or embarrassed about it. Spoiling a newborn is healthy and necessary. In my, humble (but semi-experienced) opinion :) You will wait four weeks to venture out of the house, for fear your child will have meltdown or poop blowout in the middle of Target. You come to find out, one year later, this has yet to happen. And if/when it does, you will survive!

You will feel the most joy you have ever experienced each and every day. You will also have some days where you feel SO tired. And lonely. Espcially when your baby is too little to "talk" and interact much with you. But believe me, the joyful moments and days will far outnumber the days where you feel a bit like you are loosing your sanity. Playing music throughout the house, making lists, visiting friends, taking (a lot of) walks, and prayer will all help you figure out how to be home every day and be a joyful mom while doing it.

You will go through a small phase where you feel like you are "boring" to others. This is a short and silly phase. You DO still have things to offer to conversations, you still are smart and a hard worker....even though you are not working. When people ask you "what's new?", it's OKAY to talk about what is new with Noah, because he is largely what you will focus your time and energy on. Please don't feel bad about this! You will learn how to start balancing "mommy life" with things you enjoyed before mommy life, like time with Dan, bookstores, baking, crafts, exercising, bargain shopping, and spending time with friends and family. You will decide to go back to doing Mobile Therapy a few hours a week and this will be a great thing for you!

Remember all of those little worries you have about Dan changing diapers and being too tired after a long day of work to have enough energy to play with the baby? Let me tell you---he is an AMAZING FATHER. Just you wait and see.... Even after the most stressful days, he will come home and be more energetic and involved then you could have ever dreamed. He will change lots of diapers, wait to check email until after Noah goes to sleep, and he will still remember to take the trash out. He will amaze you and you will feel incredibly loved and supported by this man. Of course, there will be times when you are just so exhausted after a day of 20 minute cat naps from a 4 month old baby and you need to just go for a drive to the local grocery store for a little break...and your husband will understand. He will give you so many encouraging hugs and he will let you know you are doing a good job.

You will love interacting with your growing baby and seeing the various stages he is in--feeding him purred peas for the first time, seeing him stand to greet you in his crib one morning, watching him learn to sit, crawl walk, and say words like mama, dada, and dog. Holding him the first time he goes swimming, got sick, and got his first boo boo. The memories from this first year will be life changing and you will grow SO much.

I promise you, this will be the best adventure. You will still be Amber at the end of it. Your identity as a women and mother will be beautiful and you will realize that, just when you thought your heart was full of love and joy before having a child, it will grow to include an enormous amount of love for this new little human being.

A Big Day

Last week, our little baby turned ONE.

I still can't believe it. 

I made a video montage of Noah's first year and still just sit in amazement (and a pile of tears) seeing how much he has grown and developed in just twelve quick months. Thinking of how our family and marriage has grown. In one year everything looks so different...in such a fun way. The day Noah was born, life was never the same for us. For me. I was immediately filled with an overwhelming sense of love, concern, and (let's be honest here) a "what do I do now?" feeling. I was scared and excited. Happy and bewildered. But...in love. 

I'm planning to write a (probably large) post later today to talk about how much I've learned in my few months as a new mom. There is a laundry list of lessons that I am still learning. 

Noah amazes me every day. 

He also challenges me. 

To slow down. To be patient. To turn off the "screens" and be present.  To follow my heart and trust my maternal instincts. To not compare myself with other friends. To not compare my child's journey with anyone else's. To not worry about the dust covered shelves or the hair balls in the corners constantly...they can wait until nap time. Or next month. 

And finally, but most importantly, to trust and rely on God for guidance every day. 

Alright, more on that stuff later.

We were able to have a lovely party over the weekend celebrating Noah's first year of life. Despite the crazy wind and downpour of rain, it was a special time with our family and closest friends. While I was a little weary of giving Noah a sugar filled cupcake, we decided it was a tradition that we wanted him to experience. And boy was he thankful for that decision!! He literally devoured the entire cupcake in less than 3 minutes. He probably would have eaten another one, who am I kidding?
I was just thrilled that he approved of my amateur cupcake baking skills :-)

P.S. After the party, Noah was passed out in the car within one minute of driving. Today is Monday and he is still recovering from all the celebratory fun. 

And here are two cute pictures of Noah just loving waking up to a few new toys :-) 

Easter, birthdays, lunch dates, and other recent happenings

 Here are a few pictures of what we've been up to over the last few weeks:

 Noah has really gotten the hang of walking over the last few weeks, so we decided it was time to get him his first pair of real shoes. He's typically always barefoot at home, but now that it's nice out, he has been practicing walking in the grass and is absolutely loving exploring outside. We went and got him fitted two weeks ago.... and sure enough...the boy has extra wide feet! Noah's favorite part about his cool, new shoes: the Velcro. It's been his favorite source of car entertainment since he got the shoes and he is forever trying to take them off.  

Last week we celebrated my mother-in-law's birthday, complete with juicy, grilled chicken and potatoes and some delish dark chocolate pb cupcakes. I've never made cupcakes from scratch before and so, despite the messy and tedious icing process, I was quite pleased with how they turned out. 

We visited GiGi at her new office last week. As you can see, Noah was loving sitting at her desk. The other office ladies enjoyed him so much that he was hired on the spot and now gets to come in weekly to help everyone get a dose of baby smiles. I hear it's good for employee moral and productivity. 

EASTER was a few days ago. 

We celebrated our Savior and His precious life that has forever changed our lives. 

We were thrilled to be outside most of the day.

We saw good friends and relaxed with family. 

We ate too much ham and hunted for plastic eggs.

Noah had his very first soccer lesson :-)

Yes, it's true. 

Dan firmly believes it's never too soon to get a baby on the field for drills.

Who knows what passions and gifts Noah will have. Obviously it's a bit too soon to tell. 

Soccer or not, we are so excited to find out what will get Noah "pumped up" (the husband's term, not mine). He may find joy in music. He may love building stuff. He may want to hike the Appalachian Trail. 

Or, he may just love the sport of soccer. 

Whatever "it" is, I'm already thrilled. 

And finally. Birthday party planning is in full swing. 

I've been feeling pretty emotional lately looking back on the last year we have had. I can't even believe we are here, about to celebrate a 1st birthday, already. 

Life moves fast. I'm learning every day to STOP and ENJOY the

 little,

beautiful, 

important,

hugely precious

 moments. 

May You Dream of Beautiful Things

just a cute song. 

Eleven

Noah had a VERY busy 10th month. It felt like every day he was learning something new...like copying our moves and mimicking our sounds, developing his ever-increasing sense of humor, discovering just how to climb all over a moving dog...you get the idea--this boy is on the go!

We continue to have a blast watching him grow and learn new things. A friend said to me recently just how much she loved this age with her little boy because there are so many "firsts" and it's just an overall fun and exciting stage. I really couldn't agree more. I am loving spending my days with this boy. Noah is such a happy, easy going baby and we usually spend our days laughing, exploring every inch of the house, and socializing with and bringing smiles to the old ladies at the local grocery store.

Here are few thing that happened:

- Taking STEPS! His record is 10 steps so far, although crawling is still is primary mode of transportation. The face he makes when he is walking towards us is hysterical and the most special. I just love seeing him try to walk. 

- Waving "hi" and "bye bye". With each, he always does it about five seconds after we have given up trying to get him to do it. Like this morning for example, we stood at the door waving "bye" to Dan. We kept trying and he just wouldn't do it. Dan gives his final kisses and leaves. Three seconds later...Noah is waving like crazy. Silly boy. 

- His own language. We now have full conversations with Noah, espcially when we are in the car, where he shouts something like "Mama" or "yaaaa" or "blablugaaa" and we repeat it back to him. This goes on and one and it's so fun. I swear when I'm at a stop light, the cars beside me are freaking out wondering if I'm okay. They see my waving and yelling, mouth wide open, and smiling from ear to ear. Oh well....

-  Finally laying himself back down in his crib. He used to just pull himself up and cry when he was laid down for his nap. Now he stands up, complains for a minute, rests his head on the side of the crib for about two minutes, and then lays back down and goes to sleep. It's been fun to watch him master this on the video monitor. 

- Stacking rings. 

- Pushing his cars and making a loud "errrrr" noise. 

- Stopping and looking around every.single.time he hears the train passing outside. I say "choo choo train" and he smiles.

Happy 11 months, little man. You are continually filling our hearts with the most special joy. Thank you so much for teaching us to stop and enjoy the simple things in life every single day. Your love of all things fast and high scare me for sure, but you are truly an adventure seeker--you love finding new "toys" around the house (clothes pins, remotes, shoe laces, and paper) and are so very determined, social, observant, sensitive, and happy. You are one cool dude and we are blessed to be called your parents.

I love you!! 

5

YUM- Creamy Chicken Chili

A few months ago I stumbled across this recipe via Pinterest. I may or may not have made it almost weekly since that time because it is just that good. And yes, even the baby approves....

Since Dan and I are trying to limit how much meat we eat, we make this without chicken and serve it over brown rice. It's hearty, healthy, and so very tasty. We like to spice it up by adding extra chili and onion powder.

So, if you are looking for a super easy, cheap, and yummy crock pot meal, this is it. I dare you to make it and try it. You WILL NOT be disappointed!!

 

Noah's First Nine Months

Our boy is growing up way too fast, but when we are old, grey, and have a hard time remembering back to when he was just a little guy, we will have great videos like this.

Whew.

Well, the weekend is over and I must say, I'm just finally getting to sit and have a few minutes at the computer. This past week has felt very full and busy. I always get exhausted after weeks like this, but truly, I loved it....Having business in my life forces me to take full advantage of any and all down time and be intentional about having some quality time with my man and our family. Here is a run down of what we have been up to lately....

- Noah has been taking his first STEPS. Yes, it's true. The little man decided to try to walk, taking steps every day last weekend. I guess he turned 10 months old and decided he had had enough of hanging out on the carpet. This guy is so determined and curious. Now I REALLY cannot take my eyes off him...and, seeing that he is my favorite baby of all time, I just love that. The amount of joy Dan and I felt in that moment was really indescribable. It is so fun to watch a huge milestone happen right in front of your eyes. I may have gotten a little choked up. Just maybe.
- If you read the last post you would know I worked a few hours last week. So that happened.
- I went to a "bridal shower planning meeting" for my bff who gets married in (oh my gosh) just three months!
- My sister-in-law and her husband visited Sat-Sun. We love spending time with them (AND watching Catching Fire). They were super nice and volunteered to watch Noah while Dan and I...
- Got all dressed up and attended a silent auction event. This was really fun...we hung out with friends, ate the most delicious appetizers, and bid on fun stuff. Dan actually had the highest bid on something and he walked away smiling (it may or may not have been cool sports memorabilia :))
- My sister had her final high school musical this weekend. She happened to be the lead in the show, so it was sort of big deal. It was so fun to see her perform! Again, I was crying...feeling so proud of her, not only because of her talents, but the amazing person she has become.
- We enjoyed a fun lunch and dinner with family. Good food and good company...two of my very favorite things.
- Noah got sick. Boo. The poor babe has had some stomach issues the last few days, which is why I'm quickly finishing up this list to take him to the doctor.
- I got to see one of my very best college friends three separate times over one week! It was so fun to have her visit us (she sometimes travels to our area for work) and for me to have a girls weekend with her two weeks ago. I love her and our friendship. I also love manicures, heated blankets, shopping at Anthropologie, and Wawa coffee.
- Dan and I are still enjoying watching this one TV series on Netflix together. We may talk about it every day and have dreams about it at night. Okay, that's just me, but whatever....

So there you have it. Our life lately in list form.

a little work

Last week I saw my very first client. It had been 10 months. To say I felt out of the loop is an understatement. It felt weird. But so good. I put on work pants and heels for goodness sake. I mean, that in and of itself was a huge deal. Just sayin'...

After a lot of discussing and praying, Dan and I decided it would be a great idea for me to work part-part-part time. Did you catch that? Do the math haha. I will help you--I will still get the blessing of being home with Noah every day, but will see clients again for about 5-8 hours a week. It works out perfectly for us, because I am able to schedule them around being at home full-time, so a typical schedule will look like 1-2 evenings/week or every other Friday afternoon/Saturday morning. So far it is feeling like a win-win. I am able to still able to be a stay-at-home mom, while also still getting to challenge myself (in something other than nap schedules and positive discipline!). It doesn't hurt that a few extra bucks a month can help go towards things like vacations and other special family things. 

Working, even if just a handful of hours a week, really helps my mood and keeps me centered. I can feel like I'm still working to better society (outside of my own family) and even help pay for a few things for our family. I know some people may not understand me pursuing a little work outside the home when I don't have to. Believe me, I struggle with this a little, too. It really is just a matter of me feeling useful and fulfilled in something other than being a mom. Yes, being with Noah as much as possible is SO fulfilling and meaningful....Being a parent is the hardest, most amazing job I've ever had! And I find so much purpose and joy in it, but sometimes, I need something else to think about, ya know? It's hard to explain, but I'm sure other stay-at-home moms can relate to this thought process. 

So that's that. Tonight, after Noah gets his dinner and Dan's gets home from work, I'm off to work with a little fella who needs help with compliance, friendship skills, listening, and handling anger. It's not going to be easy juggling these two worlds of mama and counselor, but I'm up for the challenge. :)  

comparison

So. I come to find out that parenthood can be tough. Hahah, who am I kidding? I learned that the second I had to give up caffeine during pregnancy. But really. In all seriousness, I've discovered that the human tendency to compare ourselves with others sort of escalates once you have a baby. Every parent has a different philosophy on  feeding, sleeping, schedules, soothing, discipline methods,  etc....Every mom has heard, "are they rolling/sitting/crawling/walking yet?". It's a constant period of questioning. I definitely know that people have the best intentions in asking, believe me. I'm queen of asking friends questions and wanting advice. But with all of these differences and questions, if you're not careful, things can really get ugly really fast. See, the more you keep comparing yourself and your life to anyone else's, the more you question yourself and the decisions you are making. You can quickly lose sight of what is important: the health and happiness of your child (not to mention, your own sanity!) 

Every person and every child is different. Duh. So why do we get stuck thinking we all need to do it the same way, despite different circumstances, preferences, and personalities? Here me out on this: I'm going to make every effort to not get stuck in the rut of comparison.

P.S. Comparison is not just a struggle for moms, did you know that? Gosh, it's everywhere and effects e v e r y o n e. Think success. Everyone wants to know "what you do" for a living, to somehow gauge your success. People compare cars, engagement rings, athleticism, travel plans, intellect, wealth, business, talent, etc. The items to compare

never ends.

So....

"Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. I lead each of my children along of path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong, it is also meaningless// Don't look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is My unconditional Love// I died for your sins, so that I might clothe you in My garment of salvation. This is how I see you: radiant"// 

excerpt from Jesus Calling

a very, very thin line

I recently heard of an acquaintance who is suffering. Big time. She is a young, brilliant, talented, and kind person and has her whole life in front of her. Yet, today, her days, hours, and minutes are being stolen away from her. Stolen by something called an eating disorder.

I feel very compelled to write about this topic because it's one that always hits very close to home. It stirs up something in my heart and makes my stomach turn. I know the intent of this blog was never to get into deep discussion of body image issues and struggles, however, it's a part of my own journey and I really feel it's time that my story is shared. It is my deepest hope and prayer that by shedding a little light on my own experience,  I would somehow help and encourage others who have or are currently walking through this....It's a dark and lonely place, but there is hope.

Eating disorders and distorted eating patterns/body image disrupts the lives of about 24 million people. It's no surprise to me that this number is so large, simply because we are living in a culture that idolizes beauty, control, and perfectionism.

For me, this little enemy of mine, began when I was just 12 years old. It was easily hid from family and friends, because I innocently joined the track team and told my parents I had decided to eat healthy. They weren't really alarmed by this, and all was "well" until a few months later when they noticed my weight dropping drastically. I've tried really hard to figure out what even started my obsession with weight, food, calories, etc. and it's hard to tell. I think it was a mixture of things including: one quick comment a family friend made, my pubescent body changing, starting to desire attention/acceptance from boys, and my own tendency towards perfectionism. Even at my worst, I was never the skinniest girl in school, so I feel like it was never questioned. I never starved myself or threw up, so (at least in my mind), I was tricking everyone. I had it "under control" and was "being healthy". At my lowest weight (82 pounds), I still didn't feel satisfied or happy. There was still always something to critique and always something I was hoping would change. I was never diagnosed with anorexia because like I mentioned, I never stopped eating, I just ate very small portions, worked out a lot, and was just always thinking about and worrying about the next meal. And so, again, I really didn't see that I had a problem. That's the very fine line. You're still eating. You're seen as the "health conscious" one. And, it's a good cover up. It tricks you and everyone else and my God, is it a slippery slope. I remember trying to avoid situations where there would be a lot of people and food, specifically going out to eat and birthday/holiday gatherings especially. Instead of enjoying these moments I was stuck in my own thoughts, dreading, even crying over the thought of having to eat things like cheese, chocolate, hot dogs.... because in my distorted mind, these things were the enemy. I hate to say this, but my high school years were experienced with just a cloud over me. This thing. This burden that I was carrying with me everywhere I went. I could never escape or stop the thoughts and it was a really lonely place. Don't get me wrong, I had an enjoyable time and look back on high school with (mostly) happiness because I was involved in activities, had great friends, etc., but my personality was skewed. I was my withdrawn and shy, too busy worrying about what I'd pick out for lunch, and constantly comparing myself to others.

I had moments where I totally recognized how much I hated living this way. I knew, deep down, my thoughts and eating patterns were distorted and unhealthy. I knew that some of the things I did were weird and bizarre (licking the salt off of pretzels and then throwing it away...yeah, I did that). I remember going to the doctor's office and leaving being scared to death about how I could be ruining my body for years to come. Only to triumphantly go buy a chocolate bar in an attempt to say "I'm over this and all better". I never did eat the whole thing. Still trapped. Still believing I had to count calories.

I'd like to say by college I was over it and healthy. I wasn't. My weight fluctuated and I ate horribly. Diet Coke, salads, cereal, ice cream, and gum. Pretty much my diet for four-ish years. Although I slowly made progress and began to not think or obsess over things as much, still, the battle was there.

Thankfully, I found some victory and relief after college...after I slowly began realizing just how unhealthy I was (though desperately trying to be thin and "healthy"), how ironic. Non-fat and sugar free everything was taking it's toll on all aspects of my health and was not at all healthy. Once I slowly began not carrying the guilt and shame around after every food choice, it was an amazing feeling. I was tired of being in captivity to the LIE that a cupcake or taco would make me "fat". And here is the thing, the term "fat" is what was masked as the "enemy" in my case, but really it went so much deeper than just not wanting to look a certain way. More than that, the deep fear that drove my distorted eating/thinking was that if I looked a certain way, then I'd seem like I have control over myself.... that if I wasn't "perfect", I'd ultimately be rejected, unlovable. Saying it now, it sounds SO out there, but I totally had the thinking that if I could just somehow have the proportions of a supermodel (knowing full well that I was 5'2" and would never be taller) then I'd have it "all together" and would be accepted and desired.

So now, back to my thoughts on this very thin line of healthy eating and having a healthy lifestyle. The trend now is to look at every ingredient,s list to determine if something is filled with preservatives and chemicals. I totally think that's a smart idea, but I'll be honest with you. For me, this is a slippery slope towards again, becoming obsessed with and controlling everything I put into my body. Saying I'm only going to eat "whole foods" is fine. It's a good idea actually. But what is my motivation? And do I give myself any grace to eat a bag of Doritos every now and then? I still hate the fact that I've memorized the caloric content of hundreds of foods and am super good as estimating calories. I can never get rid of that knowledge and is follows me wherever I go. But still, I make the choice to ignore the lies and walk in freedom, because my gosh, life is so much more beautiful when I do.

I have come a VERY long way and feel happier and much healthier than ever. However, I still have to be very careful not to get myself to that dangerous place of worrying too much about food and nutrition. And I'm very open with my husband and family about that. I still know so many people who have a love-hate relationship with food. They have foods that are off limits, foods they are obsessed with, and have a strict regimen of exercise to keep up with. Women especially-- we love to try the latest diet (low carb, gluten free, paleo, etc.) and we are constantly trying to define what is "healthy" for ourselves. Again, it's okay to have lead a healthy lifestyle. I am fully in support of that and try to do that myself, but just be mindful of your motivations.

If you or someone you know seems to be stuck in this place of letting food and exercise control your happiness or overall contentment, please reach out to someone. Don't think for a second that no one else understands because I guarantee you, someone does. Many have walked this thin line and many have decided to not let fear and control trap them any more. Find peace. Find your joy. Find your identity in something else because your diet and health do not and should not define you.

VDAY

Today is the day. Valentine's Day.
A cheesy holiday filled with chocolate, roses, and lots of cute Hallmark cards.
I know it's a hugely marketed, semi-fake holiday.
And I also know a lot of people who stick their noses up and sort of boycott this day.
But at the end of the day, I have a confession....

I love it.

I am totally that person that says, "I celebrate my love every day of the year". And I truly believe in that practice. But my gosh, I'm not going to be that stick in the mud person who refuses to celebrate that love on 2/14 simply because it is too much red and pink and sweets and flowers and.... and pressure to buy stuff...

For the record, Dan and I don't do anything over the top and I like it that way. I also like any chance to celebrate and reflect on the love that we share...not just with one another, but with our family and friends. So whether that means a simple homemade breakfast, a card, dinner out, or some chocolate (hint, hint Dan), a coffee date with a friend you care about, watching your favorite movie with some Ben and Jerry's, whatever. Do something.

Today. If you have someone you love (and everybody does), give that person a special call, a simple card, an email...anything to let them know they mean a lot to you. Life is short. Don't let a chance go by to not let those special people know.

I'm excited because tonight I've planned a little somethin' somethin' for the mister and I. It's nothing crazy, but I like surprises and I also like date nights and it's a little combo of those. So, here's to a great night of adult, alone time while the little guy is partying it up and having a sleepover at his grandparents' house.

Let your world turn upside-down.

I recently stumbled across this article that I really enjoyed. It was simple and beautifully written and really spoke to the "new mom" part of me.

Here is a really good quote from it, discussing the transition into parenthood. And on a side note, I feel like this quote could even being applied to things other than having a new little person in your life. Any change in life involves adjustment, some chaos, and typically comes with personal growth and beautiful experiences.

Okay, now back to the quote:

"No one tells you how much you'll grow, how you'll realize that you were recently so self-absorbed...It will be a crazy, beautiful, precious, once-in-a-lifetime blur. Take pictures. Take deep breaths. Laugh it off. Let it go. Be silly. Be open. Be brace. Be patient. Believe in yourself and your abilities. Ask for help. Take things one day at a time. Embrace every moment. Let your world turn upside-down. And enjoy the ride."

- excerpt from Huff Post Parents

Church

Church. Define it.

Tough, isn't it?

 Is it a building? A group of people? A community of believers? Dan and I have spent a LOT of time recently trying to decide on what church (the place of worship) is a right fit for us. There is NO perfect church and we determined that long ago. However, deciding on what is most important in a church (the vision, the core beliefs, the sermon, the people there, the worship, the general atmosphere, the outreach opportunities) is difficult. I feel that all of the above are super important and things to consider, but of course, I sort of "rank" these things, which I'm not sure helps matters. Over the last few months we have been feeling confused about where to go and why, when it comes to church. Various things had influenced us feeling this way and I must tell you, I hated being in this undecided and almost indifferent place.

Growing up, my family went through a time where we had something called home church. The belief was that church was not a building, but a group of people meeting to study, learn, change, serve, and hold one another accountable. This actually taught me a lot about what it means to follow Christ. It isn't just attending a church building, tithing, and leaving after an hour to check off that item on the "to do" list. It's a relationship. It changes your life, effects every area of your life, and alters your perspective. It changes how you treat people and effects your identity.

So. Here goes. Here is what I want out of a "church", whatever and wherever that is decided to be, whether it be a place, group of people, etc. I want a place/group that helps me cultivate an ever-deepening relationship with my heavenly Father. I want to enter into the adventure of a lifetime—that transforms my life and ultimately my culture by helping to bring "heaven" to earth (see the Lord's prayer for clarification). I want to have victory and freedom over things like temptation and sin, shame, fear and anxiety, depression, insecurity, discontentment, jealously, indifference, and passivity. And finally, I want to exist to passionately pursue Jesus and advance His Kingdom on earth. 

I definitely feel a sense of relief and peace now that we finally ended a six month journey and discussion of trying to find "the right place" for us. We decided and we will now invest in and commit to that place for this season of our lives and I'm excited to see where this journey takes us. 

Happy 9 Months

So here we are. Celebrating the nine month mark. I am sort of in denial that we are quickly headed towards a certain someone's first birthday and that nine months have passed (FLEW by) already. Wasn't it just yesterday that we were camped out in a hospital room getting to know a wee baby named Noah?

At nine months old, Noah is more curious and happy then ever. He laughs at us throughout the day--his favorite laughing trigger being a little game called "hide and seek" mixed with "peek-a-boo". He also cracks up when I wave like a maniac to him in the back seat (he can see me in his car seat mirror). It's always a blast on our daily outings now because he is either laughing, trying to sing with me, or sucking his super tasty thumb and looking adorbs.

I am pretty certain that Noah has learned more in the last month than any other month, but maybe that is just me being a proud mom. Here is a little rundown of this months milestones: eating finger foods, feeding himself, (dramatically) drinking out of a sippy cup, pulling up to stand on everything (my legs being his favorite thing), cruising/walking along different types of furniture, crawling, "singing", saying "duuugh" (duck? dog?), giving kisses and high 5's, and going from laying on his belly, to sitting, to standing at his crib. He now greets us each morning standing up and grinning from ear to ear and it's one of the best things to see each day. He plays with my hair and gently rubs my cheek when he is sleepy and continues to be super cuddly before nap time and bed. He now weighs 20 lbs and is 29 inches tall. Gosh, the boy is almost half my height already.

Well, I could go on and on about how much I love this kid, but that's already been established.

Without further adieu, the nine month (attempt) at a photo shoot:

Oh January

January has been a FREEZING month. I hate to wish winter away, but I'm feeling very ready for spring. It has been so bitter cold outside that even getting into the car to run errands has become something I sort of dread a little. And for Noah, I can tell he is not the biggest fan--when we leave the house super bundled up, his little eyes get huge and tear up immediately. He shrieks, smiles briefly, then gets serious. He looks at me as if to say, "Mom, what is up with this? Ugh. Why on earth did you take me outside?"

So. Dearest winter. I love your snow. I love the peaceful outdoor scenes you bring. I love my warm slippers and hot cocoa. I love cozy nights under the blankets. BUT, I am also ready to uncover myself from blankets and not be freezing cold. You have been fun and a blast to spend time with, however, we are ready for you to leave. I've asked nicely and I don't want to get too upset. Just kindly pack your bags and visit again in 11 months. Please and thank you.

Here are a few pictures from this past week. Please note the many warm layers.

The truth.

Thoughts

Posted to my bathroom mirror is this verse: "Do not worry about everyday life--what you eat, how you dress, etc. Isn't life more than food and your body much more than it's clothing? Will all of your worries add a single moment to your life?" (Matthew 6:25) Sounds simple, right? Well for me, this is a reminder that I NEED every. single. day.

I hate even admitting to myself, "I'm a worrier", because I know in my heart, it has zero effect on anything. My worrying is not productive, nor does it change situations. Worrying about any little thing seems to just come so naturally for me. It's as if when I worry, I can somehow change or control something. However, after years of working through this thing called worry (and control), I've learned this is so far from the truth.

Here are just a few of the thoughts that like to make room in my head on a frequent basis..."will Noah ever crawl?"..."Is my nose growing?"..."I shouldn't have had that second bowl of ice cream"... "Is our front door locked?".... "Will Noah grow up to be a man of integrity and follow Christ?"..."Does this sweater make me look frumpy?"..."Am I a good wife?"..."If only I was just a little taller"..."Will our heating bill be through the roof this months?"..."Oh no, Noah licked the dog's chew toy. Will he ingest some sort of disgusting bacteria?"...and it goes on and on.

As you can see, these thoughts of worry are so sneaky. And so silly. If I'm not careful, they can easily become the majority of my thought life. And that, to me, is just not right. God calls us to NOT worry. Not about the big stuff. And not even about the little stuff, like what we eat and wear.

So today, be reminded of this. Enjoy today and be present. Don't let your heart and mind be troubled with thoughts of worry. Don't worry about how you look in your jeans, if your lunch was under 400 calories, how much college will cost in 18 years, or if your kid is ever going to nap for a solid 2 hours.

And if you find yourself in that place of worrying about some small thing a little too much. Remember this verse, and pray it over your day. Like it says, all our worries will not add a single moment to our lives. Not one minute. So let's fill our thoughts and lives with the things that matter.