Four Months with Graham Robert

I promised myself that I would try to highlight Graham's milestones and special characteristics on here, just like I faithfully did with his older brother. So here we go. 

Our Graham is such a gift to us. It was on exactly this day last year that we took a second pregnancy test and realized we were indeed expecting baby #2! I love thinking back to that day and all of the emotions and prayers that took place. It's easy to talk about Graham because he is just amazing :) He has been such a content, happy, laid back baby (well, except for between 6:30-7:30 pm between month 1 and 3, but we will let that slide!). 

There have been a few things we have had to figure out through some trial and error: 1) We discovered when he was 6 weeks old that if I ate too much dairy products Graham wasn't very comfortable or happy. We couldn't figure out why he was incredibly gassy (all day) and fussy in the evening. I read up on dairy sensitivity and breast milk and decided I would cut it out of my diet to see if it helped. The difference was drastic: no gas at all and much happier evenings. So after realizing that, I have limited my cow's milk intake and Graham feels much better. It's been hard for me to give up my favorite food, ice cream, but it's a sacrifice that has greatly benefited Graham and is very worth it for both of us. And 2) What soothed Noah wasn't what soothed Graham. Noah loved his pacifier and Graham doesn't always like it. They liked being held and moved in different ways and Graham still loves (and needs) being swaddled. It's funny because after one kid, you sort of think you have the baby stage all figured out. Then you realize each baby is different! While some evenings felt stressful at times, overall, we know we can't complain. Our babies like sleep and have been very happy. It's normal for babies to fight sleep when they are overtired and I know that now from experience, which is why I make sure naps happen! :) But yeah, baby sleep is a gift and isn't always a promise. I know sometimes infant sleep and happiness is not the case, so we feel lucky and thankful to have eased into parenthood with minimal "crisis situations" haha. 

Okay, so likes.....He loves being held and just looking around and observing everything around him. If he catches your eye and you smile, you can be sure you will get the biggest grin showing his beautiful gummy mouth. I tell Dan often that his smile is super contagious and when I smile back at him my face starts to hurt from smiling so big. He loves sucking on his fingers and any toy that he can grab within reach. We were surprised at how much he tolerated tummy time from early on. We started his first day at home and it's become one of his favorite things to do, especially now that he can look all around the room! 

Graham loves walks, just like his brother did at his age (and still does!). He likes laying on blankets outside and just looking up at trees. He recently decided he LOVES watching Noah play and will arch his back and occasionally roll just to take a peak at what Noah is doing. Graham doesn't love being rocked in the glider, but prefers being held and walked around. After a full belly and a few minutes of "laps" around his room, he is fast asleep. 

Since we always seem to be on the go, taking Noah out to keep him busy, Graham is really amazing at also being super mobile. He seems to nap pretty much anywhere if it's been two hours of awake time. He loves being in the Ergo and has napped at the park, mall, library, Target (of course), church, etc. Thankfully, he also naps just fine in his crib. So like I said, he is really laid back! He isn't sleeping through the night, but I don't mind. As long as he is in bed between 7 and 8 pm and I am able to get some relax time with Dan, I have no problem giving him a quick little snack around 3 and 6 am. Maybe I'm just super sleep deprived and not thinking straight?!? It has been probably 6 months since I slept a full 7 hours without waking up to pee, eat, or feed a baby, so.... I just know and trust that one day he will sleep through the night and that day will come soon! 

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Graham, you are such a delight. Not to mention adorable--just so cute and cuddly. You are always smiling and blessing us with your presence and demeanor. At now 4 months, you are really learning and growing fast, as you always have been, it's just more noticeable now. 

We love you so so much! 

TWO

My baby is two years old. I guess he is a toddler now, by the books. But he will always be my baby boy. I've experienced so many emotions about this special milestone over the last few weeks. The night before his birthday I repeatedly reminisced about the nerves before giving birth, our labor and meeting of our first born, and the journey of parenting this precious boy every day since. I thought about the memories we've made, his growing personality, all that we as a family have learned. It's been a wild and special ride and to say the last two years flew by is really so, so true. It feels like it was just yesterday we were nervously giving him his first sponge bath in our hallways on top of a bath towel thinking, oh my gosh, how do you bathe a newborn again?!? 

So where was I? Last week we celebrated his birthday. It was such a fun day, since Dan was able to take the day off and spend it with us! We started the day with waffles and then a daddy and Noah park date, while I had a MOPS meeting and took the babe. We played outside on his new balance bike (the kid looks hilariously adorable in his huge toddler helmet), gave him extra milk with a dash of chocolate milk, went on a long walk, played with his new wooden "big rig" and "digger" trucks (total consignment shop win!) and ended his special day with a trip to his favorite place: the local fro yo joint. 

We gave him so many hugs and kisses. For me, it was my way of secretly asking him to never grow up. Yes, we are definitely in a stage of growing independence, refusing to eat certain foods, and some defiance. But I'd argue that even still, this is my favorite stage so far. He is SO MUCH FUN. The conversations we have with Noah are priceless and it's so amazing and fun chatting with him each day. ("Noah hungry. Noah have 'pean-butter sandwich'. No regular milk. Chocolate. Please mommy"...."Hi kids. Hi birds. Birds outside. Noah go outside. Hold birds".) 

I could write a whole book on the many ways this kid amazes me each day, but I won't.... Although I REALLY don't want to forget this stage he is in, which is partly why I attempt to jot things down on this blog of mine. To remember. To be able to picture these fleeting moments years from now. So, I'll end it with this: motherhood makes me cry haha...like all the time. I cry over the happy things. Over new memories. Over hard days. Over growing babies. Over outgrown clothes. Over kisses on my nose. Over the first unprompted "I love you". Over proud parent moments. Over embarrassed parent moments. Over giving a timeout. Over special brother moments....I'm just a huge crying mess sometimes and that's okay. These little people have made me an even bigger softy and it's sort of hilarious/embarrassing. With three men and a male dog in the house, I guess someone needs to display some estrogen every once and a while ;) 

Happy birthday, little man. You have blessed our lives with your wit, kindness, energy, curiosity, hugs, and contagious smile. We love the person you are and who you are becoming each day. 

Thanks for bringing so much sunshine and joy to our lives and teaching us what life is all about!

Love, mommy.  

Recent Springtime Happenings

I thought I'd just quickly catch myself up on here by posting a few pictures to show what we have been up to this spring so far.  These are mostly of the fun we have at home each day, with a few from actual outings we've been on. Enjoy!

Noah and Dan ventured down to Baltimore to watch a Hopkins Lacrosse game with Pops (my father-in-law). It was a gorgeous, sunny day and they took advantage of it! Noah loved the live band and the ice cream food trucks, of course. 

We tried out the cutest cafe with my mom. Noah enjoyed baked oatmeal, while I devoured some quiche and this lovely latte. Graham slept the whole time, so the peaceful atmosphere won points from him as well. 

We take lots of walks with these two. Both of them LOVE getting outside and Noah enjoys identifying the local trash trucks, mail trucks, "diggers", squirrels, "lil kids", and "ssiah" (the college down the road). He always asks so sweetly to get out and throw rocks when we reach the creek that's nearby. These walks are one of my favorite parts of the day. Because one, the kids are contained, and two, we just chill and talk :)

A wedding date. Weddings have become one of our typical date nights these days. We got to go to Kent Island and celeberate the marriage of a close college friend. Dan and I enjoyed some loud music in car, good, adult conversation, and some yummy food that we didn't have to cook. It's the little things, I tell ya. 

Another walk picture, of course. 

Teaching the boy to bake. He loves it. Especially when we bake things like cookies and brownies. He is learning the art of stirring and licking the spoon!

Almost every day that it is nice, we try to hit up one of the many local parks around. This slide is Noah's favorite right now because he can go down in all sorts of creative ways.

This year we were able to celebrate Easter Sunday with both sides of our family, which was so nice! Here is us attempting to get a picture with most of us. As you can see, Noah just wanted to check his Easter eggs for Cheerios, cranberries, and peanut butter chips. 

Playtime. 

Surprise! I think the saying is, "when the husband is away, the wife will play" or something...? Well when Dan traveled this last time for work, I got an idea to paint our bathroom. We both really like how it turned out. Thanks, dad, for all of your help!

mom life!

I thought a little life update was beyond due. Graham is now 12 weeks old, and Noah, just two weeks from being two years old (oh my gosh). As you can see from how little I post on this little journal, life with two is busy! Busy, crazy, hilarious, and all consuming at times, but  it is oh-so-good. I love having two boys.

Preparing for Graham's arrival, I was a little unsure how I would do with TWO. I had only known one little amazing boy, whom I'd been best buds with for 21 months. It was just he and I all day, most every day. We did everything together and always spent quality time together exploring the world, running errands, and being silly in our living room. In my mind, he is just the most awesome little boy. How could anyone else measure up? I know that sounds horrible, but this is my honest thoughts here, people. I worried that my heart would always compare his brother to him. He is a handful of energy, love, cuddles, questions, conversation, personality, and people smarts. He loves life so much and brings so much joy to our lives every single days (and yes, even on the days he questions "why?" for everything and cries when I've told him for the 40th time that we are not watching Thomas). He knows how to make us laugh and we even have inside jokes with the kid.

So going back to my fears. Was my heart big enough and was I truly capable of caring for and loving two little human beings? God has been so gracious and merciful to me. Where I fall short, He provides and we are doing this thing called parenting two kids. It's a miracle, people! He has and continues to give me the strength, patience, love, and joy in raising two unique little guys. Graham is absolutely the coolest little babe and stole my heart from the minute he was laid on my chest at birth. He is so laid back, smiley, and my observer. His looks and personality are already noticeably quite different from his brother and I know that God did that for a reason. It makes it easier to remember they are two different little lives. With many different facets, personality traits, and gifts. I am happy to report that my heart has officially expanded (and at times I fear, almost is exploding!) with love for the three amazing men in my life. Noah has in no way "been replaced" and Graham is definitely getting as much love, kisses, and prayers as his brother did. He truly is such a blessing from God who arrived at just the right time. He is my, "Mr. Golden Graham", as I like to call him.

I think what has been hardest for me in this transition has honestly been fighting thoughts of GUILT that want to invade my mind every second of the day. Feelings as though I'm just not measuring up in all departments and roles of my life. It feels sometimes like I'm juggling so much and not doing it all perfectly. And that's just it, guys. PERFECT is impossible. Who sets that standard of perfect anyway? When I get honest with myself, I am my own worst critic and am always wanting to do and be more and better. Yes, to some that is a good quality and work ethic to have. But, really, I need to stop feeling guilty over every little choice I make, fearing that it's just not good enough, or that I'm letting someone down. There is so much BEAUTY in NOT having it all together and I'm learning to EMBRACE that. Embracing the hard days. Embracing the little victories and milestones. Embracing over the moments reading in Noah's bed when he should instead be napping. Embracing the imperfection and knowing that in doing my best, and doing it all in love, that's all I can do.

Here are just some examples of things I could potentially feel guilty about during the day: (and yes, I know that this is just ridiculous!)

- Graham not being held enough
- Not having as much time to rock him or nurse him to sleep
- Not being able to fully engage with Noah when Graham is awake. The constant splitting of my time and energy is tough for me as I always feel like someone is getting the short of the stick. I'm still working on accepting the fact that I can't be 100% engaged with both kids 100% of the time, and that is OKAY.
- The dishes didn't get done. Again.
- Dinner was microwaved tonight.
- We spent the day at home instead of going and doing things.
- We spent the day out too much and didn't have much time to play at home (see, crazy I tell ya!)
- Noah didn't consume a vegetable today (let alone eat mostly organic or whole foods)
- I sometimes bribe Noah to get his diaper changed with M&M's and raisins
- I can't put together a coherent sentence sometimes when Dan and I finally get the chance to talk after the kids are in bed
- I sometimes de-stress with something called "trail mix" that's essentially just a snickers bar
- I can think of the last time I left the house alone without feeling guilty about it
- I never exercise
- I never start and/or complete the DIY projects I hope to
- Sometimes, if it's possible, I stay an extra minute in the bathroom for a moment of quiet with myself

Instead of focusing on all I feel is not measuring up, I've been trying to spend time thinking about the positive, awesome things that happen during any given day... such as:

- Noah saying things like: "good morning, mommy", "love you, mommy", and "more some cranberries please" (it's just too cute!)
- Graham taking a nap on my chest during our hour long walks and exploration time at a local park
- Noah discovering things like ants, pine cones, acorns...and of course, the art of throwing a rock into water and waiting for the big splash
- Realizing I no longer need to feed Noah. This is super bittersweet. He now can really "poke and scoop" his food well with his utensils.
- The amazing last 15 minutes of the day where we all gather and cuddle in our bed for story time. It starts with three books and sometimes ends up being 6-7. We don't mind one bit.
- Dan surprises me with a hot cup of coffee waiting for me in the morning. This is a glimpse of heaven!
- The blessing that is Dan coming home to spend lunch with us each day. He helps get one of the kiddos down for a nap and then we have a few minutes just to talk and eat together. I'm realizing this is such a gift!
- When both boys nap at the same time. When this happens, my soul is beyond happy!
- Every time Graham smiles
- The flowers blooming in my front yard
- The fact that, while it may be bare half way through the week, we have a stocked pantry and plenty of food in the refrigerator
- Noah discovering the joy and awesomeness that is the game of "tag" with a neighbor


The list goes on and on. And just like that I can think of so many more things to be thankful for then to feel guilty over. Yes, life with a free-spirited, energetic two year old and an infant brother is busy and chaotic at times, but I really have no reason to let myself feel inadequate. I'm learning to be more confident and free regarding my choices as a mom, feelings of exhaustion at times, and parenting style. It's OKAY. We are doing so well and my kids are not only surviving, they are thriving. And for that, I can sit back and know that all is well.

So, going back to feeling guilt throughout each day. If you struggle in this area too, let me challenge you to stop. Let's make a commitment together to never let guilt and feelings of inadequacy wear us moms down. It's pointless and unproductive and I'm realizing, when not taken care of, can hurt our souls. We don't need to have it all together. Our houses don't need to look like no one is having fun in them. It's okay to say you are tired. Be you. And "be you, bravely" (quote taken from my MOPS group). 

So, there you have it. I'm replacing guilt with freedom and fun and chaos and honestly and love.

And that's the end of my life update :)

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Meeting Our Graham

Hello! A lot has happened over the last few weeks: A few snow storms. A Merry Christmas. I watched and cried over the finale of my favorite show. Noah transitioned to a toddler bed in his new room (more on that fun milestone later!). Our families "sprinkled" us with love and gifts for baby #2. Etc. Etc.

So, guess what? I am a MOM OF TWO BOYS NOW. Yeah, THAT happened, too.

Mr. Graham Robert decided to start making his arrival after 4 episodes of Parks and Recreation on a Wednesday evening (January 21st). I thought I was having weird gas pains/cramps and sort of shrugged it off and went to bed. Throughout the night I woke up to more severe and consistent pain and tightening in my lower abdomen. It's probably important to share that with Noah, my water broke and all I really knew was fast and hard contractions...not these little baby ones that start things off. So with that said, I wasn't sure what was happening but decided I'd begin timing them, still thinking this really wasn't happening yet. My doctor was convinced I still had two weeks to go and as much as I wanted to be done being pregnant and meet our little boy, I was starting to believe her. Well. Anyway, I casually finished packing our hospital bag around 5:30 am...just in case...along with Noah's overnight bag for my parents. I woke up Dan, chuckling as I said, "this may be it. contractions have consistently been 3-4 minutes apart." I called my doctor and she said I should come to the hospital, but still probably had time to labor more at home if I wanted. After calling family, my dad picked up Noah and we headed to the hospital around 8:30 am. It was so strange saying goodbye to Noah. It was this odd, bittersweet feeling...like, next time you see me, you're life will change, and I'm sorry and you're welcome :) We gave him big hugs and kisses and told him we would see him soon. We were going to the hospital to meet his baby brother.

Although the contractions were consistent and it was getting harder to walk or talk through them, I still was fearful we'd get to the hospital only for them to say "go home". Well when we arrived and they got me into a bed to check things out, I suppose laying down and stopping movement slowed things down. In fact, my contractions become like 6-7 minutes apart and I felt so silly telling the nurse that "this was it!" Thankfully, and by some miracle, I was already 5 cm dilated, so they decided to admit me.

Fast forward a few hours... I was thankful to enjoy the jacuzzi tub and exercise balls in the hospital room. These really helped to ease the increasing pain. As did watching a hilarious episode of Dr. Phil and talking about random stuff with my nurse in between contractions. Looking back, I am so incredibly thankful for the decent breaks I had between contractions. It allowed me to regroup, drink lots of water, think about other things other then the pain, and rest. Well, my water decided it didn't want to break on it's own, and would delay progression of labor. I was stuck laboring at 8 cm dilated from 1pm to 5pm, when my doctor finally decided to break my water. I was so thankful! I was getting really tired and just wanted Graham to be here already. That and I was worried that since I had opted out of an epidural again, I wasn't sure I had the strength or energy to push out a baby. Thankfully, once my water broke, things happened so fast. The contractions HUUURRRRT but they became much closer together and I was quickly given the okay to push. I must give a shout out to my amazing labor coach and husband, who was severely sick and feverish this entire time. He was THE MAN. He yelled and supported me so well, especially during the pushing. I love having him encourage me, squeezing my hand, yelling in my ear, and excitedly telling me that we were so close to meeting our baby. Thinking about those moments makes me cry because it are those moments, just minutes before (and after) Graham came into the world that will forever be stuck in my memory. I remember the pain, the feeling of excitement, and the fact that time just seemed to stand still....

Standing still until... the nurse told me, "STOP. Stop pushing!" Wait, what? Graham was coming and the doctor wasn't in the room. Well I tried as much as I could to wait...haha, as impossible as it really was. The next push, I think my 4th round, Graham was born. It was 6:17 pm and it was perfect. We had a few minor complications when Noah was born that really made me nervous for the actual delivery. It was biggest blessing to get to see and hold Graham right away, something I really wished had happened during my first delivery. He made a grand entrance, christening me with pee just a few moments after being put on my chest. One of the most special moments occurred when I was talking and crying with Dan and Graham's head was cranked back, eyes working so hard to find my face. He knew my voice. He knew my scent. Talk about an amazing, breathtaking feeling.

The birth of child is a true miracle. Life is SUCH a gift. As I think about how God chose to give Dan and I our Noah and Graham I am filled with so much humility. God has called us on this journey to love and raise two beautiful boys and we don't take that lightly. Will we do a good job? Will we fail them? Will they grow up to be Jesus loving, respectable, honorable, and wise young men? That is our prayer every day. For guidance. For grace. For patience. For faith and trust in God's ability, not our own. And for the ability to remember, every SINGLE day, that this thing called parenting, and being a mom, is one of the most life changing, beautiful, amazing, challenging, faith giving, important, and growing roles.