mom life!

I thought a little life update was beyond due. Graham is now 12 weeks old, and Noah, just two weeks from being two years old (oh my gosh). As you can see from how little I post on this little journal, life with two is busy! Busy, crazy, hilarious, and all consuming at times, but  it is oh-so-good. I love having two boys.

Preparing for Graham's arrival, I was a little unsure how I would do with TWO. I had only known one little amazing boy, whom I'd been best buds with for 21 months. It was just he and I all day, most every day. We did everything together and always spent quality time together exploring the world, running errands, and being silly in our living room. In my mind, he is just the most awesome little boy. How could anyone else measure up? I know that sounds horrible, but this is my honest thoughts here, people. I worried that my heart would always compare his brother to him. He is a handful of energy, love, cuddles, questions, conversation, personality, and people smarts. He loves life so much and brings so much joy to our lives every single days (and yes, even on the days he questions "why?" for everything and cries when I've told him for the 40th time that we are not watching Thomas). He knows how to make us laugh and we even have inside jokes with the kid.

So going back to my fears. Was my heart big enough and was I truly capable of caring for and loving two little human beings? God has been so gracious and merciful to me. Where I fall short, He provides and we are doing this thing called parenting two kids. It's a miracle, people! He has and continues to give me the strength, patience, love, and joy in raising two unique little guys. Graham is absolutely the coolest little babe and stole my heart from the minute he was laid on my chest at birth. He is so laid back, smiley, and my observer. His looks and personality are already noticeably quite different from his brother and I know that God did that for a reason. It makes it easier to remember they are two different little lives. With many different facets, personality traits, and gifts. I am happy to report that my heart has officially expanded (and at times I fear, almost is exploding!) with love for the three amazing men in my life. Noah has in no way "been replaced" and Graham is definitely getting as much love, kisses, and prayers as his brother did. He truly is such a blessing from God who arrived at just the right time. He is my, "Mr. Golden Graham", as I like to call him.

I think what has been hardest for me in this transition has honestly been fighting thoughts of GUILT that want to invade my mind every second of the day. Feelings as though I'm just not measuring up in all departments and roles of my life. It feels sometimes like I'm juggling so much and not doing it all perfectly. And that's just it, guys. PERFECT is impossible. Who sets that standard of perfect anyway? When I get honest with myself, I am my own worst critic and am always wanting to do and be more and better. Yes, to some that is a good quality and work ethic to have. But, really, I need to stop feeling guilty over every little choice I make, fearing that it's just not good enough, or that I'm letting someone down. There is so much BEAUTY in NOT having it all together and I'm learning to EMBRACE that. Embracing the hard days. Embracing the little victories and milestones. Embracing over the moments reading in Noah's bed when he should instead be napping. Embracing the imperfection and knowing that in doing my best, and doing it all in love, that's all I can do.

Here are just some examples of things I could potentially feel guilty about during the day: (and yes, I know that this is just ridiculous!)

- Graham not being held enough
- Not having as much time to rock him or nurse him to sleep
- Not being able to fully engage with Noah when Graham is awake. The constant splitting of my time and energy is tough for me as I always feel like someone is getting the short of the stick. I'm still working on accepting the fact that I can't be 100% engaged with both kids 100% of the time, and that is OKAY.
- The dishes didn't get done. Again.
- Dinner was microwaved tonight.
- We spent the day at home instead of going and doing things.
- We spent the day out too much and didn't have much time to play at home (see, crazy I tell ya!)
- Noah didn't consume a vegetable today (let alone eat mostly organic or whole foods)
- I sometimes bribe Noah to get his diaper changed with M&M's and raisins
- I can't put together a coherent sentence sometimes when Dan and I finally get the chance to talk after the kids are in bed
- I sometimes de-stress with something called "trail mix" that's essentially just a snickers bar
- I can think of the last time I left the house alone without feeling guilty about it
- I never exercise
- I never start and/or complete the DIY projects I hope to
- Sometimes, if it's possible, I stay an extra minute in the bathroom for a moment of quiet with myself

Instead of focusing on all I feel is not measuring up, I've been trying to spend time thinking about the positive, awesome things that happen during any given day... such as:

- Noah saying things like: "good morning, mommy", "love you, mommy", and "more some cranberries please" (it's just too cute!)
- Graham taking a nap on my chest during our hour long walks and exploration time at a local park
- Noah discovering things like ants, pine cones, acorns...and of course, the art of throwing a rock into water and waiting for the big splash
- Realizing I no longer need to feed Noah. This is super bittersweet. He now can really "poke and scoop" his food well with his utensils.
- The amazing last 15 minutes of the day where we all gather and cuddle in our bed for story time. It starts with three books and sometimes ends up being 6-7. We don't mind one bit.
- Dan surprises me with a hot cup of coffee waiting for me in the morning. This is a glimpse of heaven!
- The blessing that is Dan coming home to spend lunch with us each day. He helps get one of the kiddos down for a nap and then we have a few minutes just to talk and eat together. I'm realizing this is such a gift!
- When both boys nap at the same time. When this happens, my soul is beyond happy!
- Every time Graham smiles
- The flowers blooming in my front yard
- The fact that, while it may be bare half way through the week, we have a stocked pantry and plenty of food in the refrigerator
- Noah discovering the joy and awesomeness that is the game of "tag" with a neighbor


The list goes on and on. And just like that I can think of so many more things to be thankful for then to feel guilty over. Yes, life with a free-spirited, energetic two year old and an infant brother is busy and chaotic at times, but I really have no reason to let myself feel inadequate. I'm learning to be more confident and free regarding my choices as a mom, feelings of exhaustion at times, and parenting style. It's OKAY. We are doing so well and my kids are not only surviving, they are thriving. And for that, I can sit back and know that all is well.

So, going back to feeling guilt throughout each day. If you struggle in this area too, let me challenge you to stop. Let's make a commitment together to never let guilt and feelings of inadequacy wear us moms down. It's pointless and unproductive and I'm realizing, when not taken care of, can hurt our souls. We don't need to have it all together. Our houses don't need to look like no one is having fun in them. It's okay to say you are tired. Be you. And "be you, bravely" (quote taken from my MOPS group). 

So, there you have it. I'm replacing guilt with freedom and fun and chaos and honestly and love.

And that's the end of my life update :)

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