BF

A little note on BF.

No, not my best friend. Not my boyfriend.

BREASTFEEDING.

So, friends. In case you didn't know, and wanted to know, I have been breastfeeding Noah for 13 months now. TMI? Sorry. And I'm here to announce (this is sort of cathartic, me chatting about it, in a weird way) that we began weaning a few days ago. Ugh. It's sad. So sad. And hard. And, uh hem...rather uncomfortable/painful!

I never really knew "when" this little bf journey would come to an end. To be honest, I didn't have many expectations. At first my goal was to do it for six months. Well that flew by and my new goal became a year. Well around a year I began thinking about the how's and why's surrounding weaning. It has not been an easy decision. And I apologize for making it sound all dramtic-like, but this whole post is sort of going to sound that way, so just dealllll.

Oh and for those of you who have NO idea what "weaning" even means...don't worry, I had no idea either, but it just means transitioning a baby from breast feeding to bottle/cup/whole foods. The process starts whenever you introduce foods, water, bottles, etc. to your baby and ends when they are no longer being breastfed at all. For Noah, he has always been FINE transitioning to those things. And truthfully, the weaning process has been harder on me than on him. I mean, this kid is so laid back...as long as his belly is full, one way or the other, is a happy camper.

So, the timing just seemed right for us recently. Hahah, who am I kidding? I totally second guessed the decision immediately after we had our official "last" feeding before bed the other night. Like I mentioned before, this whole weaning thing was (and still is) way more emotional for me. I was a tearful, mascara-faced mess thinking about the hundreds of hours spent doing this one thing that was just as much for me as it was for Noah. It has been difficult and frustrating at times, but mostly just great. I never thought I'd be a mom who was all advocating breastfeeding, but here I am at the end of my journey and I am a total advocate for it. The choice to bf Noah was mostly made for the health and attachment building reasons, but later, as it grew on me, I realized that it became so much more. It was more about Noah needing ME, and just me, for this one thing, that no one else could do for him. It was that one excusable thing we could do to escape to a quiet room for a few minutes a few times a day that was peaceful and "just us". It was our special time where he needed me and I was able to meet that need in a tangible way. That is what was so alluring and special about bf, in my opinion. Yes, the fact that human milk is "liquid gold" is another perk, but truthfully, I wasn't thinking about the gold in my boobs at 3 am in the morning. Let's be honest here.

Another reason it rocks? Now, this reason doesn't make as much SENSE, but in that I-like-learning-and-growing way, the small fact that it teaches you selflessness in a very real and fast way is a big win-win. Gosh, I learned a huge lesson here. All those moments I was tempted to wish another person could feed him while I could sleep more, eat more, do-all-those-things-that-needed-to-get-done, or stay out for more than a few hours, I remembered that I was needed and I that I had committed to this thing. I was forced to make lots of time for feeding/pumping/planning life around those precious feedings and, at times, this was pretty inconvenient.

The decision to stop has been a hard one and one I have gone back and forth about for weeks. It's also a decision that not everyone who wants to make can. Sometimes a woman has to stop before she wants to. So, with that said, I know at the end of the day, I have a lot to be thankful for. Truthfully, it's hard not to feel a little guilty and selfish about this decision. Truthfully, I made much of the decision based on some health reasons and the fact that I was feeling ready to have my body back. I trusted in the bond Noah and I had shared developed and knew that his trust in and attachment to me would not change based on where he was getting his nutrients from. He happens to love bottles, sippy cups, and food (this kid can EAT) just fine and that is reassuring (and just a little bittersweet).

So here I sit. With some engorged breasts, discomfort, and a boat load of bittersweet feelings. I feel proud that we were able to make it this far and yet sad that this chapter for us has come to an end. One thing that is PRETTY awesome: packing up the pump and putting it away, far away, on a shelf.

Ahhhh, pumping. That is it's own, beautiful topic for another day...

True Confessions

I haven't cleaned Noah's toys in....... 

well, now that I think of it.....

never. 

Oops. Major oops. 

And for the record (to sort of make myself feel better), he has only had two minor colds in his almost 13 months of life. So, I guess the gross, dirty toys didn't cause too much damage... right?

Garden time

Well, it's that time again. 

Our community garden is now calling us to begin planting new crops for the year. Last year was our very first year for our neighbors to attempt creating a vegetable garden together. We built six box gardens and planted veggies and herbs. Looking back, I definitely think it was a great success (considering we are all very much complete amateurs) and we were able to learn a heck of a lot about this new hobby/thing called gardening. The other week we held our first meeting to decide what we want to attempt to plant/grow and divided up the major tasks of making that happen. This year we are trying our hand at growing some fruit, too, which is pretty fun. We began planting last week and I must say, I'm definitely feeling the effects of some therapeutic gardening. I'm already SO excited to be able to go grab some basil, garlic, and strawberries in my backyard.

...I keep forgetting I have like 75-90+ days of patience before that will be happening. 

This year we are hoping to harvest:

sweet onions

garlic

spinach

romaine lettuce

roma tomatoes

potatoes

strawberries

garlic

carrot

egg plant

bell peppers

pumpkins

watermelon

various herbs

green beans

squash

(honestly, the list looks uber intimidating to me. but hey, if this works out, i'll be THRILLED!)

So, I'll definitely keep the blog updated with the (hopeful) success of the garden. I've promised to make a few changes in my green thumb practices this year, like NOT watering during the hot afternoons... and, actually checking the soil first before hammering the plants with water!...both of which are huge no no's, I've recently found out. Yeah, the fact that I made the two most obvious mistakes is very pretty embarrassing, but at least I'm being honest here! 

A Note To My Pre-Mom Self...

Hi there,

Right now, you have no idea what to expect. You are worried about the pains of labor and how to soothe a baby. Well, I'm here to tell you that, as far as delivering a baby goes, when the time comes, you will get filled with excitement and a surge of adrenaline (oh, and God's grace) that will somehow give you the strength to labor through the most intense pains of your life. Don't be grossed out, but you will throw up five times from the contractions (thankfully, your husband will not get nauseous at the sight!), and you will shake like crazy for a few hours (which is a little scary).... BUT, at the end of it all, you will welcome a little boy on the 30th of April at 1:16 pm who is simple a perfect package of baby. After two practically sleepless nights, cuddles, and many pictures, you will be wheeled away from the hospital, to ride in the backseat of your car with a tiny, sleeping peanut of a baby. Your husband will drive 5 mph under the speed limit and will look in the rear view mirror in zillion times.

The next few weeks will be a complete blurr. People will visit. Your bottom will be SORE. You will stare at your new baby. You will stare at your husband interacting with him (and tear up). You will look at this child in amazement, stare at your once basketball-sized belly and wonder how on earth he ever got out. Then you will feel so proud and thankful for his health and yours. Then you will cry from the pain of engorgement and not feeling like you can swaddle a baby properly. You will also cry on your first Mother's Day out of pure exhaustion and feeling scared you are in over your head. Thankfully, you will have a group of AMAZING mothers to guide and support you. To tell you you are a rock star at raising your child and to remind you to follow your heart and mother's intuition. Breastfeeding will HURT for the first two weeks. Your nipples will be numb and you will leak milk (yes, it's the truth). However, you will be beyond thankful that you stuck with it... because it will really help you bond and feel very needed by your little, growing babe. Despite feeling a little grossed out at first, and wondering how your body will ever be "yours again", you will quickly sit back in wonder at how your body can nourish and keep healthy another little body. I promise you, you will cherish the countless hours spent in the glider every single day, snacking on animal crackers, humming Christmas carols, just staring at this little boy in complete awe. Oh, and remember the entire tube of stretch mark cream you rubbed on yourself every single day? Well, you will come to actually love the tiny little "lightening bolts" below your belly button, because they remind you that you carried a child for ten months and that your skin was stretched to house him. It's something not everyone is able to do and so you will NEVER, ever complain about these marks.

You probably will anyway, but please don't stress about sleep and schedules! This figures itself out and your baby will fall into his own sleep pattern that works for him and you. I know you will read way too much on the internet about sleep and soothing and much of it will contradict itself. I'm here to tell you--- if you want to hold your baby while he sleeps, hold your baby. If you want to utilize a swing because it works wonders, use a swing. If you want to nurse your child to sleep, DO it. You will later come to find this did NOT create any "bad" habits for your child and...well, you can't get those moments back where he is small enough to sleep in your arms. So, do it. And don't feel bad or embarrassed about it. Spoiling a newborn is healthy and necessary. In my, humble (but semi-experienced) opinion :) You will wait four weeks to venture out of the house, for fear your child will have meltdown or poop blowout in the middle of Target. You come to find out, one year later, this has yet to happen. And if/when it does, you will survive!

You will feel the most joy you have ever experienced each and every day. You will also have some days where you feel SO tired. And lonely. Espcially when your baby is too little to "talk" and interact much with you. But believe me, the joyful moments and days will far outnumber the days where you feel a bit like you are loosing your sanity. Playing music throughout the house, making lists, visiting friends, taking (a lot of) walks, and prayer will all help you figure out how to be home every day and be a joyful mom while doing it.

You will go through a small phase where you feel like you are "boring" to others. This is a short and silly phase. You DO still have things to offer to conversations, you still are smart and a hard worker....even though you are not working. When people ask you "what's new?", it's OKAY to talk about what is new with Noah, because he is largely what you will focus your time and energy on. Please don't feel bad about this! You will learn how to start balancing "mommy life" with things you enjoyed before mommy life, like time with Dan, bookstores, baking, crafts, exercising, bargain shopping, and spending time with friends and family. You will decide to go back to doing Mobile Therapy a few hours a week and this will be a great thing for you!

Remember all of those little worries you have about Dan changing diapers and being too tired after a long day of work to have enough energy to play with the baby? Let me tell you---he is an AMAZING FATHER. Just you wait and see.... Even after the most stressful days, he will come home and be more energetic and involved then you could have ever dreamed. He will change lots of diapers, wait to check email until after Noah goes to sleep, and he will still remember to take the trash out. He will amaze you and you will feel incredibly loved and supported by this man. Of course, there will be times when you are just so exhausted after a day of 20 minute cat naps from a 4 month old baby and you need to just go for a drive to the local grocery store for a little break...and your husband will understand. He will give you so many encouraging hugs and he will let you know you are doing a good job.

You will love interacting with your growing baby and seeing the various stages he is in--feeding him purred peas for the first time, seeing him stand to greet you in his crib one morning, watching him learn to sit, crawl walk, and say words like mama, dada, and dog. Holding him the first time he goes swimming, got sick, and got his first boo boo. The memories from this first year will be life changing and you will grow SO much.

I promise you, this will be the best adventure. You will still be Amber at the end of it. Your identity as a women and mother will be beautiful and you will realize that, just when you thought your heart was full of love and joy before having a child, it will grow to include an enormous amount of love for this new little human being.

A Big Day

Last week, our little baby turned ONE.

I still can't believe it. 

I made a video montage of Noah's first year and still just sit in amazement (and a pile of tears) seeing how much he has grown and developed in just twelve quick months. Thinking of how our family and marriage has grown. In one year everything looks so different...in such a fun way. The day Noah was born, life was never the same for us. For me. I was immediately filled with an overwhelming sense of love, concern, and (let's be honest here) a "what do I do now?" feeling. I was scared and excited. Happy and bewildered. But...in love. 

I'm planning to write a (probably large) post later today to talk about how much I've learned in my few months as a new mom. There is a laundry list of lessons that I am still learning. 

Noah amazes me every day. 

He also challenges me. 

To slow down. To be patient. To turn off the "screens" and be present.  To follow my heart and trust my maternal instincts. To not compare myself with other friends. To not compare my child's journey with anyone else's. To not worry about the dust covered shelves or the hair balls in the corners constantly...they can wait until nap time. Or next month. 

And finally, but most importantly, to trust and rely on God for guidance every day. 

Alright, more on that stuff later.

We were able to have a lovely party over the weekend celebrating Noah's first year of life. Despite the crazy wind and downpour of rain, it was a special time with our family and closest friends. While I was a little weary of giving Noah a sugar filled cupcake, we decided it was a tradition that we wanted him to experience. And boy was he thankful for that decision!! He literally devoured the entire cupcake in less than 3 minutes. He probably would have eaten another one, who am I kidding?
I was just thrilled that he approved of my amateur cupcake baking skills :-)

P.S. After the party, Noah was passed out in the car within one minute of driving. Today is Monday and he is still recovering from all the celebratory fun. 

And here are two cute pictures of Noah just loving waking up to a few new toys :-)