BF

A little note on BF.

No, not my best friend. Not my boyfriend.

BREASTFEEDING.

So, friends. In case you didn't know, and wanted to know, I have been breastfeeding Noah for 13 months now. TMI? Sorry. And I'm here to announce (this is sort of cathartic, me chatting about it, in a weird way) that we began weaning a few days ago. Ugh. It's sad. So sad. And hard. And, uh hem...rather uncomfortable/painful!

I never really knew "when" this little bf journey would come to an end. To be honest, I didn't have many expectations. At first my goal was to do it for six months. Well that flew by and my new goal became a year. Well around a year I began thinking about the how's and why's surrounding weaning. It has not been an easy decision. And I apologize for making it sound all dramtic-like, but this whole post is sort of going to sound that way, so just dealllll.

Oh and for those of you who have NO idea what "weaning" even means...don't worry, I had no idea either, but it just means transitioning a baby from breast feeding to bottle/cup/whole foods. The process starts whenever you introduce foods, water, bottles, etc. to your baby and ends when they are no longer being breastfed at all. For Noah, he has always been FINE transitioning to those things. And truthfully, the weaning process has been harder on me than on him. I mean, this kid is so laid back...as long as his belly is full, one way or the other, is a happy camper.

So, the timing just seemed right for us recently. Hahah, who am I kidding? I totally second guessed the decision immediately after we had our official "last" feeding before bed the other night. Like I mentioned before, this whole weaning thing was (and still is) way more emotional for me. I was a tearful, mascara-faced mess thinking about the hundreds of hours spent doing this one thing that was just as much for me as it was for Noah. It has been difficult and frustrating at times, but mostly just great. I never thought I'd be a mom who was all advocating breastfeeding, but here I am at the end of my journey and I am a total advocate for it. The choice to bf Noah was mostly made for the health and attachment building reasons, but later, as it grew on me, I realized that it became so much more. It was more about Noah needing ME, and just me, for this one thing, that no one else could do for him. It was that one excusable thing we could do to escape to a quiet room for a few minutes a few times a day that was peaceful and "just us". It was our special time where he needed me and I was able to meet that need in a tangible way. That is what was so alluring and special about bf, in my opinion. Yes, the fact that human milk is "liquid gold" is another perk, but truthfully, I wasn't thinking about the gold in my boobs at 3 am in the morning. Let's be honest here.

Another reason it rocks? Now, this reason doesn't make as much SENSE, but in that I-like-learning-and-growing way, the small fact that it teaches you selflessness in a very real and fast way is a big win-win. Gosh, I learned a huge lesson here. All those moments I was tempted to wish another person could feed him while I could sleep more, eat more, do-all-those-things-that-needed-to-get-done, or stay out for more than a few hours, I remembered that I was needed and I that I had committed to this thing. I was forced to make lots of time for feeding/pumping/planning life around those precious feedings and, at times, this was pretty inconvenient.

The decision to stop has been a hard one and one I have gone back and forth about for weeks. It's also a decision that not everyone who wants to make can. Sometimes a woman has to stop before she wants to. So, with that said, I know at the end of the day, I have a lot to be thankful for. Truthfully, it's hard not to feel a little guilty and selfish about this decision. Truthfully, I made much of the decision based on some health reasons and the fact that I was feeling ready to have my body back. I trusted in the bond Noah and I had shared developed and knew that his trust in and attachment to me would not change based on where he was getting his nutrients from. He happens to love bottles, sippy cups, and food (this kid can EAT) just fine and that is reassuring (and just a little bittersweet).

So here I sit. With some engorged breasts, discomfort, and a boat load of bittersweet feelings. I feel proud that we were able to make it this far and yet sad that this chapter for us has come to an end. One thing that is PRETTY awesome: packing up the pump and putting it away, far away, on a shelf.

Ahhhh, pumping. That is it's own, beautiful topic for another day...